What Do I Tell My Heart?
by Cielita
Summary: My version of Thestral's song-fic story "How Can I not Love You?"


**_What Do I Tell My Heart?_**
    
    _"Cannot Touch, Cannot Hold_
    
    _Cannot Be Together_
    
    _Cannot Love, Cannot Kiss_
    
    _Cannot Have Each Other_
    
    _Must Be Strong_
    
    _And We Must Let Go_
    
    _Cannot Say What Our Hearts Must Know…"_

            "Are you crazy?" whispered Rolanda Hooch to her best friend, Minerva McGonagall.  

            "You know I'm not," said Minerva, without looking up from her cup of hot chocolate, "I'm in love with him, Rolanda." 

            "You've tried this with him before.  If he were interested in you he would have said something before," Rolanda said gently.  Minerva's eyes welled with tears as she shook her head in reply.

            "No, you don't know him like I do," said Minerva.  Rolanda's head gained a concerned tilt.  She loved Minerva as a sister, and it hurt her to see Minerva behaving downright delusional.  What was she thinking?  Albus Dumbledore had been her teacher at Hogwart's when they were students themselves.  He was old enough to be their father.  How could Minerva think she was in love with him?  He had never shown any outward signs of returning her love.  

            "It's something I've always felt, Rolanda.  You don't know what we have…" she stood and let her voice drift off as she stopped before the window.  

            "Given your past record with men," Rolanda said, pausing while Minerva winced, "don't you think it's best if you don't pursue this?  He's the headmaster, Minerva.  It's not right for him to have relationships with his staff."  

            "This is different, Ro," said Minerva, turning to face her friend.  Rolanda took her by the shoulders.  

            "Do you care for him?" she asked gently.  Minerva blinked.  "Then leave him be."  
    
    _"How Can I Not Love You_
    
    _What Do I Tell My Heart_
    
    _When Do I Not Want You Here In My Arms_
    
    _How Does One Waltz Away From All Of The Memories_
    
    _How Do I Not Miss You When You Are Gone…"_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
    
    _"Cannot Dream_
    
    _Cannot Share Sweet And Tender Moments_
    
    _Cannot Feel How We Feel_
    
    _Must Pretend Its over_
    
    _Must Be Brave_
    
    _And We Must Go On_
    
    _Must Not Say What We've Known All Along…"_

            ""You've never told her?" said Aberforth Dumbledore as he sat across from his brother in the sitting room of his office.  Albus only stared out the window of the room to the swirling snow painting pictures in the night-frozen air.  

            "I've wanted to so long, Aberforth!  But for so long, we've put up this front that we've needed to be brave, needed to be firm, needed to feel something for ourselves.  Giving everything priority except the luxury of being a human man and woman.  Even the most devote of monk was not born a monk," said Albus.  His voice seemed to gain strength as he spoke.  

            "But if you allowed yourself that luxury, brother, it would be used against you.  You know that," said Aberforth, "She would be your weakness…"

            "She already is!  My biggest problem is that part of me feels like she deserves a man her own age," said Albus, "But one doesn't find too many one's own age in this business." 

            "Have you dated since…" Aberforth let the sentence hang like the holly berries and pine boughs in the Yule decoration of the room.  Albus' eyes betrayed a pain that he had never let anyone else, save his brother, see.  The last woman Albus had dared to date, a lovely witch by the name of Mariah, had died in a terrible attack only a year after they met.  The death eaters had found out that she was Albus Dumbledore's significant other, and they had burned her home.  To make matters more terrible, Mariah had actually escaped from the blaze, only for the death eaters to find her and drag her back into the house and tie her down inside.  

            Albus had had nightmares of her screaming and images of the house burning for months.  

            "You can't blame yourself for that, Albus," said Aberforth, softly, "She would not have." Albus let tears slip down into his snowy beard.  

            "Look.   Do you really care about Minerva?" asked Aberforth.  Albus looked up at him and nodded slightly.  

            "Then give her up.  You know better than anyone the price of having such an attachment," said Aberforth.  Aberforth set his cup of coffee, long cooled, on the end table and folded his brother into his arms as he cried.  

            "But how can I just stop loving her?  Her strength, her intelligence, her integrity, her sheer beauty…" wept Albus.

            "Brother, if you truly love her, you must let her live!  You can't justify risking her life with this silly notion of love!" said Aberforth.  
    
    _"How Can I Not Love You_
    
    _What Do I Tell My Heart_
    
    _When Do I Not Want You Here In My Arms_
    
    _How Does One Waltz Away From All Of The Memories_
    
    _How Do I Not Miss You When You Are Gone_
    
    _How Can I Not Love You…"_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
    
    _"Must Be Brave_
    
    _And We Must Be Strong_
    
    _Cannot Say What We've Known All Along"_

            Rolanda left Minerva's study at about the same time that Aberforth left Albus' office.  As soon as both were out of earshot, Minerva, still crying from her conversation with Rolanda, marched down the hall to Albus' office.  Rapping out the password, Minerva's shoes clicked as she mounted the twisted staircase.  

            "Albus!" She called as she opened the door.  Albus was still in his sitting room, his head in his hands.  At the sound of Minerva's voice, he looked up, blue eyes shining in surprise.  

            "Albus, I need to talk to you," she sputtered.  

            "What's happened?" Albus said, reaching for her.  He had never done that so automatically before but it felt so natural tonight.  She dropped down beside him on the sofa and threw herself into his arms, something she had never done before, but she couldn't hold out any more.  

            "Why do the things we want the most seem to be the most forbidding?" Minerva sobbed.  

            "Minerva…" Albus said in surprise.  

            "I love you, Albus!" she cried.  Albus' tears renewed themselves.  

            "Oh, God, Minerva!" he wept, "This can't be!  I can't justify putting you in danger for this!" 

            "No!" she screeched through gritted teeth, "I won't accept that!  I love you and I won't accept any other answer if you truly love me in return!" Albus was dumbstruck.  

            "I do love you, Minerva!  I do!  But, this danger that I bring with me—it doesn't scare you?  God knows I couldn't protect…" his last words were choked by anguish.  Minerva's brow creased as she heard this.  

            "What are you talking about?" she asked, holding his face in her hands.  He told her everything.  About Mariah, about the death eaters, about the fire, about his nightmares, and about his fear of romance ever since.  Minerva let tears cascade down her face.  She had never known.  She clutched Albus to her in sudden realization and wept along with him.   Minutes later, she took his face in her hands again and lifted it to meet her eyes.  

            "Now, you listen to me," she said, her blue eyes shining like lapis in the moonlit, star-studded night, "I've never been more sure about anything in my life.  Albus, I love you…I love you…I couldn't love anyone like I love you!  Damn the danger!  What can't we handle if we have each other?"  Minerva's voice quivered as she spoke, driving Albus to fold his arms around her again, holding her near and replied, "I love you so much!  But how can I protect you?  I can't stand not knowing and I don't know that I could live without you!" 

            "If I had wanted to know what my life would be like, every day, for the rest of my life, I would have married another a long time ago and settled down.  But not knowing drives me…I want to start a life with you, and no one else," said Minerva.  

            She and Albus had kissed before, certainly.  On special occasions such as birthdays and holidays, but nothing could have prepared her for the sensation of kissing him now.  He stroked her cheek and softly let his lips find hers.  They kissed softly at first, just light caresses of contact between them, and then Albus sat up a bit, pulling Minerva closer.  Minerva slid her hands up over his chest and around his shoulders, settling in closer to his body.  Albus' hands smoothed over her back, making Minerva shudder.  He pushed her green teaching robes down over her shoulders and she easily slid out of them as he did the same with his.  This barrier gone, Minerva took the hat from his head and he worked her hair down out of the bun she wore it in.  It spilled like a river of silk down her back as Albus continued to kiss her, the long repressed desire making him hungry for her.  The softest, tiniest of whimpers escaped her lips as his hands inched forward over body and brushed the edges of her breasts.  She dug her nails into his shoulders when he did this, and a soft moan escaped him as well.  Minerva lightly stroked his face, tracing the elements of his visage with feminine precision, letting their breaths mingle for a moment before kissing him again, years of needing him all flooding from her being.  She instinctively rocked against him, sending shockwaves through their bodies and causing Albus to hold her tighter, kissing her harder and more desperately than before.  Minutes later, Minerva pulled away.

            "Perhaps we shouldn't do this now," said Minerva, her breath ragged, "Too soon…" 

            "Minerva, I love you so much.  I'd wait another fifty years for you," Albus said, kissing her again, "How can I not love you?  You have me drowning in the swells of romance."  Minerva's smile was all the reassurance that Albus needed.  

            "I've always loved you, Albus.  Always," said Minerva, "And how could I not?  How could I just walk away from everything that we've been through together?  How would I tell myself that it's over before its begun?  I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I didn't give this my all."

            "Nor would I." 

            Minerva rose from her place on the sofa and walked to the door of the office, her green robe draped over her arm.  

            "Minerva?" Albus called, standing and walking toward her.

            "Yes?" she said, her blue eyes wide in the dim light.  

            "Will you marry me?" Albus asked.  Stunned for a moment, Minerva's smile lit her face again as she leaned into his arms again and whispered in his ear, "It would be my highest honor, to call myself your wife." 

            Through a film of tears, Albus mustered the courage to ask one more question.  

            "Would you sleep beside me, my fiancé?" he asked softy.  Minerva sighed and smiled again before leading him up into the tower to his bed chamber, where the oil lamps were already flooding the large four-poster bed with warm light.  Minerva carefully turned down the covers and gestured for Albus to get in.  He removed his hat again and then his shoes before crawling into bed.  When he was comfortable, Minerva carefully laid her emerald robes across the foot of the bed and gathered her skirts a bit before allowing Albus to hold the covers up for her to snuggle in with her back to him.  He tucked his right arm around her as she placed their spectacles on the nightstand.  The lamps slowly extinguished themselves as the lovers drifted off to sleep, more content than they had been in years.  
    
    _"How Can I Not Love You_
    
    _What Do I Tell My Heart_
    
    _When Do I Not Want You Here In My Arms_
    
    _How Does One Waltz Away From All Of The Memories_
    
    _How Do I Not Miss You When You Are Gone_

_How Can I Not Love You When Are Gone"_

Fin


End file.
